"I don't remember anything else." It should just be a fact, but there's perhaps a touch of defensiveness. He's not sure if it's at remembering anything, or at not remembering. Either one isn't something he should care about, so he won't.
"Yes, that can hurt, too." His mental list mostly goes in the order of how much they hurt when someone grabbed them away. His memories of the experience of actually playing any of them are basically equally unpleasant, without focus on the individual moments.
"But, yes, quality of sound is very important. Timing, too. You can't even rush it. let alone get any note wrong." After all those years Nathaniel doesn't misread any notes or have any trouble recognizing sight-reading and can grimly play scales at the right speed. But getting there had been deeply unpleasant, and he'd never been any good.
Arthur, as a classically trained pianist, does agree with that definition, to an extent. But as a former jazz musician, he's offended to his very soul.
"That depends largely on the genre of music you'd be playing from, as a matter of fact," he says. "Classical, certainly there's a sense of- of rigidness to the style that doesn't really allow for much deviation, but modern music, jazz especially can be- it's incredibly freeing."
The idea pops into his head, only partially formed, and before he can think about it he's already blurting out, "What would you think about trying to learn? T-the guitar, I mean."
"It's not about genre. It's knowing the right pattern. 'Freeing' is the last word you want associated with it. Most of it turned out to be unnecessary, anyway. Music can help some magicians summon spirits. But that's if they don't have enough strength of will."
Yes, there are a lot of other important factors. But that's for protection and being able to control the spirit once they've been summoned. For the actual summoning, his force of will is far more effective than any music.
Even though - or perhaps because - Nathaniel knows Arthur can't see him, that gets a skeptical look. His opinion on learning any instrument is that he doesn't want to. But even now, that's very rarely something he would say. Especially about something unimportant. "What's a guitar?"
"Something like a dutar, only with six strings," he explains - kindly, because he can hear the skepticism. "Oh, the- in that zombies breach, it was the instrument my other self there played over the radio constantly."
He'd played it at home constantly too, settled outside Nate's door when he'd been in a withdrawn and panicked mood, playing the guitar to settle him and let him know he wasn't alone.
If it weren't for those memories - however much he tries to quarantine them - Nathaniel would've stopped at stating his hatred for music. Without acknowledging that he can like to listen to it. He remembers leaning against the door, sometimes, not ready to leave his room but able to sketch as he listened.
"Maybe." Reluctant, but not a complete denial or an attempt to figure out how to agree and then escape the agreement. He likes it when he has time to think about these things, and maybe it's even something he can (almost) admit if he's going to talk about 'process'. Something which he about as skeptical about as the music, but is at least able to test.
He can't help how the prospect of teaching again makes something light bubble in his chest, that lets him ignore the squirm of guilt deeper in his stomach, and he lifts his hand to give Nathaniel's shoulder another squeeze.
"Take your time thinking about it, of course." He'll just make sure to keep a guitar in his room for if Nathaniel makes up his mind.
It takes Nathaniel a while to decide. With big decisions, he’s usually able to choose a course and dedicate himself to it full heartedly. Some might say that this isn’t always helpful. Still, he wishes he could have the same certainty with something so meaningless.
When he does eventually knock on Arthur’s door, he still wouldn’t say he’s entirely sure. But he can try.
"Just a moment, sorry-" gets called through the door, and Arthur's footsteps sound a little bit less- steady, a bit heavier than normal, as he makes his way to the door.
When he opens it - well. He's showered, now, so the stench of exhaustion is only metaphorical now, but the smell of alcohol still lingers faintly in the room. He looks tired, and even properly dressed he's a little bit rumpled, eyes still a bit red and heavy-bagged with the lingering hangover.
He's presentable, at least. Mostly it's just a pile of little differences that Nathaniel is primed to recognise, given it's Arthur. "Right, er- yes?"
Nathaniel is a keen observer of details, even in areas where he struggles to put together a bigger picture. This isn't one of those areas, so all the differences are carefully filed away. He's well aware of the signs of drinking, and it's aftermath.
On the whole, he's rather less judgemental of various forms of excess then someone might guess if they knew some of the things he is judgemental of. But there's a difference between in general and specific, and it's odd to find his warden like this. Still, he usually only comes over if called.
There's an immediate startle from Arthur that prompts him to stand up straighter, immediately trying to pull himself into being presentable like he's been electrocuted.
"Mandrake-! I-I wasn't expecting you-- ho-how can I help?"
But he can feel himself squirming inside, already ready to reject the idea out of hand, because how dare he try and think he could do that to someone else, that was his with Faroe, that--
No, that was the piano, he's- he is allowed to have other instruments. Other people. The guitar was never hers.
The struggle is visible on his face, but after a moment he relents, and gives Nathaniel a slightly wobbly smile as he pushes the door open. "Of course. Please, er- I'm afraid I'm-- not at my best, currently, but this- this shouldn't be a problem."
Nathaniel always watches Arthur carefully. Even more carefully because he often doesn't understand what Arthur's feeling, or why. It's just as difficult as trying to figure out what he's thinking, which Nathaniel puts in a different category.
He's tempted to use the struggle as a reason to step back and avoid this whole ordeal. On the other hand, Arthur had been the one to suggest it to him. Nathaniel would be fine never touching a musical instrument again, so it's not as if he'd tried to trick Arthur into this. Still, his level of tension at the idea of trying to play something isn't decreased by the idea that the person listening probably has a headache.
"No- not at all, it's perfectly fine to do now. You're never a bother, Mandrake, I assure you, and-" he gives a soft huff. "Honestly, I think I could use a reason to... get out of my own head, a little. The guitar will be a sufficient distraction, for both of us."
The guitar is even visible, tucked against the wall on the far side near John's closed door, just out of the general path so Arthur doesn't walk into it.
"If you say so." He pauses, not sure if he should say anything more. There have been many times Nathaniel has focused on something in order to get his mind off things he'd rather not dwell on, and he's sure Arthur has his reasons. He has his own life, which only has bearing on Nathaniel's if it gets in the way of something.
Perhaps this could be argued to be a borderline case, but Nathaniel's not sure he'd make that argument.
God, it was rich for him to be so deliberately avoidant of it with Sheehan, but ready to talk to Nathaniel about it, wasn't it?
"Not... really, no. John graduated Natalie the other day, which- I'm proud of them, of course, I couldn't be happier for Natalie-" which feels like it needs saying, because it's Nathaniel. "-but, uh. John's deal was to bring back a number of the people I- we killed, along our journey." His lips press, as he quietly closes the door behind Nathaniel. "He made sure to word it so it included my daughter, despite her being- unrelated."
He listens carefully. It's probably for the best that Arthur says he's happy for Natalie, because it means he doesn't have to pull out one of the plans he's idly turned over on the mater of 'demotion'. She had shot Arthur, but she also had John as an warden. There's probably some sort of balance, there.
"That's good?"
The awkwardness is mostly because it's not exactly something he says often.
He knows what Arthur's deal is. After learning about Faroe, he had just mentally note the list of priorities. It's very responsible, and Nathaniel had no reason to think about it so he firmly hadn't.
"Yes, um. My partner, Peter Yang, our building's maintenance worker Eddie, and- a young woman, Emily McFarland that John encountered, er. Others, almost certainly." It had been a deliberately worded request, after all. "But I hadn't- expected him to include... her. We rarely spoke of her, so I didn't- think he would have any reason to include her, in anything."
He takes a deep breath, and sighs it out carefully. "The- the fact that he included Faroe in that was... unexpected enough that I. I handled it poorly."
"Yes, I can see how that would require careful wording, so I can see it would be a surprise." He's not surprised, that's the sort of thing he would expect John to be good at. "But he knows your daughter is important to you." It makes perfect sense to him. The point of power is that it allows you to have, and protect, things that are important to you, which can include other people. Whether Arthur has that power is possibly debatable, but it's still logical.
He reaches out to pat Arthur's arm, once. A true marriage of incredibly awkward and stiff.
"It can difficult to adjust to the unexpected."
Arthur should probably be better at it. But Nathaniel is choosing to hope that Arthur doesn't need this obvious flaw pointed out.
The main reason Arthur doesn't flinch away from the touch is that it passes straight through surprising and into 'so totally unexpected that it takes him a moment to even register it'. He does still, just for a moment - and he can't feel how his eyes sting, but Nathaniel will see the way tears well in them for a moment, as the touch (as awkward as it is, is so clearly well-intentioned and caring, about Arthur being a fucking mess even if he's sure Nathaniel doesn't quite understand why) cracks some foundational support holding himself together.
Arthur's arm wraps around Nathaniel and give him a tight squeeze against his chest, just for a few seconds.
Nathaniel's discomfort in his attempt to do something - an impulse that he finds too inexplicable to even consider, means that he doesn't actually get more awkward on contact. Uncertainty is uncomfortable enough to cover his usual conflict about touch. Besides, Arthur's upset, even if some of the reasons why are hard to guess at. It's the sort of thing that can happen when someone's upset and not around people who hate them. Not that Nathaniel would return the gesture, but he doesn't try to pull away.
He offers Arthur the courtesy of pretending not to see any tears.
"You'll figure it out." Probably. But it's what Nathaniel would like to hear, if the idea of admitting to any uncertainty didn't feel like such a nightmare.
The little chuckle that gets is half a sob, but more than anything it's a release of tension, and Nathaniel gets another briefer, more gentle squeeze, before Arthur lets go.
"God I hope so." But he can hear how plugged up his voice is, and it prompts him to give his eyes a quick wipe as he turns away from Nathaniel briefly. He feels like he should say more, he wants to, but the conflict between that and his twice-bitten instinct just leaves a thick lump in his throat, and he moves away from Nathaniel to try and find the guitar instead. "Losing family is... it's one of the most difficult pains I've ever experienced. It never seems to get easier, no... matter who it might be, or- or how it happens."
Nathaniel absolutely can't relate, which might be for the best. He doesn't necessarily react well to feeling empathetic. He doesn't know if he could say he's lost family, and, besides, he generally finds that most pains get easier with repetition. But he knows that getting something, or getting something back, doesn't wipe out loss. It's probably for the best if Arthur's daughter is young enough that she won't have any questions. That could be awkward.
"You plan to make it more difficult for demons to enter your dimension. So that removes one potential concern." At least Arthur can move that possible danger down the list. It would be unfortunate to bring someone back to life only to have them die in a different way.
"Funnily enough, it's not that sort of being that I'm worried about, in having her back," he says quietly. But he finds the guitar and walks back to the couch with it, and takes a seat on the left cushion with it, laying it across his lap so he can gives the strings each a light twang. Not trying to make anything, just checking they're in tune.
"Yes, but any other worry probably involves 'personal' matters. You know magicians don't have families." He stands next to the couch, watching and listening. He had suffered through years of lessons, and while he'd never been 'good', it wasn't as if failure had been acceptable in any subject and he has played string instruments before, so he can file away familiar pieces.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2023-08-25 04:09 am (UTC)"Yes, that can hurt, too." His mental list mostly goes in the order of how much they hurt when someone grabbed them away. His memories of the experience of actually playing any of them are basically equally unpleasant, without focus on the individual moments.
"But, yes, quality of sound is very important. Timing, too. You can't even rush it. let alone get any note wrong." After all those years Nathaniel doesn't misread any notes or have any trouble recognizing sight-reading and can grimly play scales at the right speed. But getting there had been deeply unpleasant, and he'd never been any good.
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Date: 2023-08-25 04:37 am (UTC)"That depends largely on the genre of music you'd be playing from, as a matter of fact," he says. "Classical, certainly there's a sense of- of rigidness to the style that doesn't really allow for much deviation, but modern music, jazz especially can be- it's incredibly freeing."
The idea pops into his head, only partially formed, and before he can think about it he's already blurting out, "What would you think about trying to learn? T-the guitar, I mean."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-25 04:57 am (UTC)Yes, there are a lot of other important factors. But that's for protection and being able to control the spirit once they've been summoned. For the actual summoning, his force of will is far more effective than any music.
Even though - or perhaps because - Nathaniel knows Arthur can't see him, that gets a skeptical look. His opinion on learning any instrument is that he doesn't want to. But even now, that's very rarely something he would say. Especially about something unimportant. "What's a guitar?"
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Date: 2023-08-25 05:06 am (UTC)He'd played it at home constantly too, settled outside Nate's door when he'd been in a withdrawn and panicked mood, playing the guitar to settle him and let him know he wasn't alone.
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Date: 2023-08-25 05:14 am (UTC)"Maybe." Reluctant, but not a complete denial or an attempt to figure out how to agree and then escape the agreement. He likes it when he has time to think about these things, and maybe it's even something he can (almost) admit if he's going to talk about 'process'. Something which he about as skeptical about as the music, but is at least able to test.
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Date: 2023-08-25 05:37 am (UTC)"Take your time thinking about it, of course." He'll just make sure to keep a guitar in his room for if Nathaniel makes up his mind.
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Date: 2023-08-25 03:17 pm (UTC)When he does eventually knock on Arthur’s door, he still wouldn’t say he’s entirely sure. But he can try.
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Date: 2023-08-28 01:05 am (UTC)When he opens it - well. He's showered, now, so the stench of exhaustion is only metaphorical now, but the smell of alcohol still lingers faintly in the room. He looks tired, and even properly dressed he's a little bit rumpled, eyes still a bit red and heavy-bagged with the lingering hangover.
He's presentable, at least. Mostly it's just a pile of little differences that Nathaniel is primed to recognise, given it's Arthur. "Right, er- yes?"
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Date: 2023-08-28 02:25 am (UTC)On the whole, he's rather less judgemental of various forms of excess then someone might guess if they knew some of the things he is judgemental of. But there's a difference between in general and specific, and it's odd to find his warden like this. Still, he usually only comes over if called.
"Hello, Mister Lester."
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Date: 2023-08-28 03:15 am (UTC)"Mandrake-! I-I wasn't expecting you-- ho-how can I help?"
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Date: 2023-08-28 03:21 am (UTC)He just hadn't been entirely sure if he would end up knocking on Arthur's door or not, and he doesn't like trapping himself into something so small.
"I just wanted to ask about the... music lessons." He's still wary of the whole concept.
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Date: 2023-08-28 03:25 am (UTC)But he can feel himself squirming inside, already ready to reject the idea out of hand, because how dare he try and think he could do that to someone else, that was his with Faroe, that--
No, that was the piano, he's- he is allowed to have other instruments. Other people. The guitar was never hers.
The struggle is visible on his face, but after a moment he relents, and gives Nathaniel a slightly wobbly smile as he pushes the door open. "Of course. Please, er- I'm afraid I'm-- not at my best, currently, but this- this shouldn't be a problem."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-28 03:33 am (UTC)He's tempted to use the struggle as a reason to step back and avoid this whole ordeal. On the other hand, Arthur had been the one to suggest it to him. Nathaniel would be fine never touching a musical instrument again, so it's not as if he'd tried to trick Arthur into this. Still, his level of tension at the idea of trying to play something isn't decreased by the idea that the person listening probably has a headache.
"I can come back later."
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Date: 2023-08-28 03:56 am (UTC)The guitar is even visible, tucked against the wall on the far side near John's closed door, just out of the general path so Arthur doesn't walk into it.
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Date: 2023-08-28 04:09 am (UTC)Perhaps this could be argued to be a borderline case, but Nathaniel's not sure he'd make that argument.
Still.
"Are you - well?"
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Date: 2023-08-28 04:23 am (UTC)God, it was rich for him to be so deliberately avoidant of it with Sheehan, but ready to talk to Nathaniel about it, wasn't it?
"Not... really, no. John graduated Natalie the other day, which- I'm proud of them, of course, I couldn't be happier for Natalie-" which feels like it needs saying, because it's Nathaniel. "-but, uh. John's deal was to bring back a number of the people I- we killed, along our journey." His lips press, as he quietly closes the door behind Nathaniel. "He made sure to word it so it included my daughter, despite her being- unrelated."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-28 04:32 am (UTC)"That's good?"
The awkwardness is mostly because it's not exactly something he says often.
He knows what Arthur's deal is. After learning about Faroe, he had just mentally note the list of priorities. It's very responsible, and Nathaniel had no reason to think about it so he firmly hadn't.
...He doesn't bring that up.
"The ones that were in your file?"
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Date: 2023-08-28 05:03 am (UTC)He takes a deep breath, and sighs it out carefully. "The- the fact that he included Faroe in that was... unexpected enough that I. I handled it poorly."
With alcohol.
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Date: 2023-08-28 05:17 am (UTC)He reaches out to pat Arthur's arm, once. A true marriage of incredibly awkward and stiff.
"It can difficult to adjust to the unexpected."
Arthur should probably be better at it. But Nathaniel is choosing to hope that Arthur doesn't need this obvious flaw pointed out.
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Date: 2023-08-28 05:57 am (UTC)Arthur's arm wraps around Nathaniel and give him a tight squeeze against his chest, just for a few seconds.
"Yeah. It is."
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Date: 2023-08-28 06:24 am (UTC)He offers Arthur the courtesy of pretending not to see any tears.
"You'll figure it out." Probably. But it's what Nathaniel would like to hear, if the idea of admitting to any uncertainty didn't feel like such a nightmare.
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Date: 2023-08-28 07:18 am (UTC)"God I hope so." But he can hear how plugged up his voice is, and it prompts him to give his eyes a quick wipe as he turns away from Nathaniel briefly. He feels like he should say more, he wants to, but the conflict between that and his twice-bitten instinct just leaves a thick lump in his throat, and he moves away from Nathaniel to try and find the guitar instead. "Losing family is... it's one of the most difficult pains I've ever experienced. It never seems to get easier, no... matter who it might be, or- or how it happens."
no subject
Date: 2023-08-29 12:13 am (UTC)"You plan to make it more difficult for demons to enter your dimension. So that removes one potential concern." At least Arthur can move that possible danger down the list. It would be unfortunate to bring someone back to life only to have them die in a different way.
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Date: 2023-08-29 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-08-29 01:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
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