[ And Hilbert will be sitting at his desk, having tried really hard to nature the effort of being an actual person today. He's wearing an oxford shirt and trousers but also looks like he could pass out at any moment. ]
[Nathaniel understands the importance of being up and dressed, even if it fails to really mitigate his concern about Hilbert's well-being. He's rarely visited anyone sick, before. It's not something he'd say was a deprivation. He's learned enough from Hilbert to feel that it would probably be easier if there was something that could be done about a death toll besides gritting your teeth through them.]
Hello, Doctor Hilbert.
[He puts the soup down on the desk. He's worried, even though he knows what death tolls are like, but he's not going to put that on Hilbert when he's already suffering.]
Hello Mandrake, [ Hilbert says, with a nod. He takes a little sip of the soup-well that tastes delicious. He takes an even bigger sip before continuing the conversation. ]
I'm sure you have questions about my actions. Crozier was very circumspect in his description of the event.
I attempted to experiment on Johann. I drugged him and attempted to take a sample of his blood. He revived and when I tried to sedate him again, he killed me.
[ There's a pause before Hilbert continues. ]
I chose Johann partly because of his healing factor. But partly because if something were to go wrong, I wanted it to happen to the man who killed you twice.
[Nathaniel nods at the first part. It makes sense, a healing factor is just the sort of thing that it's reasonable to study and Johann seems like a good example. Besides, he doesn't currently have a warden so it could have been a way to slip under the radar for a bit if Johann, very unfairly, hadn't killed Hilbert.
It's all very reasonable. Nathaniel had thought from the start that Crozier was probably being unreasonable, and he thinks this proves that that was based off clear-sighted understanding.
The careful chain of logic hits a block only at the end. For once, Hilbert will see Nathaniel totally unguarded. He doesn't try to set up defenses against Hilbert, it's simply a matter of his normal level of emotional control and respect for the - teacher who's done so much for him. This goes far beyond that, and Nathaniel would already have said that that goes far beyond anything he could've expected. Now he just stands there frozen for a couple of moments, wide eyed and looking younger than usual from the shock. Even a moment can be a long time in someone who usually reacts so quickly.]
That's - [he stops, not knowing how to continue.] I wouldn't have thought of that. [He hadn't imagined it could be a reason. He doesn't know how to express the extent of his emotions.]
[ It's all intensely awkward for Hilbert as well. After all, this is the first time he's admitted to something like "the acknowledgement that he cares for someone's well-being." This is practically the first time he's realized he cares for someone's well-being. It's an odd sensation and he's not sure how to deal with it, but it's there. Might as well grapple with it. ]
I hadn't thought of that until recently, [ Hilbert admits. ] Revenge is not my normal method. I usually find it useless. But here...I don't know. If I was going to get a sample, I should get it from someone who deserves to be hurt.
I was...angry he murdered you. Suspect I have been for a while.
[ It's weird. Talking is weird and feelings are weird and Hilbert doesn't know if he's saying this right or even if he's saying the correct thing to begin with...but again. Drastic actions. Might as well take the shot. ]
[If there's anyone who can't offer any judgement on how things are said when it comes to emotion, it's Nathaniel. He absolutely would offer judgement on most, unhindered by only having questionable second-hand experience to call on. But he's not judging Hilbert.
Which doesn't make it easier to find a response.]
A long time ago, I was... hurt by someone. He wanted to humiliate my master through me, so he asked me questions he thought I couldn't answer. He was displeased that I could. Only one person tried to do anything.
That was the only time. [He doesn't know if sharing the story - choosing to share a story from his past, and not a pleasant one at that, manages to convey anything of the emotions he doesn't have words for.]
[ This is a weird feeling. He feels...almost angry at hearing that? Mandrake didn't deserve to be hurt. And he didn't deserve those in power failing him when that happened.
It also doesn't help that this teenager is saying it happened 'a long time ago.' Hurting an adult is one thing. But hurting a child? As far as Hilbert's concerned, that's beyond the pale.
There's a long awkward pause as Hilbert tries to sort through the feelings of anger, protectiveness, and venom that he doesn't really have the capacity to explain. Instead, he settles on, ] I wish I was there. I would have done something.
[ Mandrake's a good kid and a good friend. He didn't deserve anything like that. ]
[Logically, he's well aware that wouldn't have changed anything. Yet it's nice to imagine a world where Hilbert wouldn't have been thrown out immediately by people who can command a djinn's power. A world where Nathaniel wouldn't have had spend two years working on revenge because no once cared about any sort of justice.
He doesn't quite look up to study the ceiling. Is he going to do it? Can he do it? He's not sure about 'can', but he is going to take the plunge: trying to say something directly.]
[ There's the faintest hint of something that might be a smile on Hilbert's face as he gives Mandrake a little nod. ]
Likewise. It means a lot to me to hear that admission from you. [ He takes a moment to take a bit of a breath, before looking back over at Mandrake. ]
This ship is full of fools and idiots. I'm glad that there is at least one person here who's sensible and I'm even happier that I can call this person— [ a friend? ] —someone close to me.
[ We'll get to admitting the 'friend' word eventually. ]
[Hilbert understands how difficult it is to say these things.]
I'm glad, too.
[He pauses. He had once climbed an extremely steep hill in order to get a few answers. This is also worth the effort. Obviously, he can't go so far as to call Hilbert a 'friend':]
I know some people are thrown off after a breach because they've been given memories of a relationship that doesn't exist. My memories are my own, so I haven't suffered from that mix-up. Still, I suppose they offer some room for comparison. As myself, I can say that I consider myself closer to you than those examples of 'family'.
[ Oh. Well that's unexpected. But it's also...nice. Unexpected in a nice way. Hilbert knows precisely what Mandrake is talking about and honestly, he considers himself closer to Mandrake than any sort of half-hearted attempt at the Barge to throw 'family' at him.
Hilbert gives Mandrake a small nod before, ]
I consider you as something close to family as well. Certainly more than Admiral's regular breach attempts at gaslighting. [ Hilbert shrugs a little before, ] We chose each other's company. Much more meaningful than something created by breach.
[It's to talk to someone who can provide just the right turn of phrase. He'd never exactly chosen someone's company before the Barge. It's nice. It's especially nice to be chosen in return. To have made the risk to say it out loud and have the sentiment returned.]
Crozier said he confiscated your equipment. [Terribly unfair, but people so often are.] Do you think we'll be able to continue our lessons, once you're recovered?
[For absolutely no reason. Well, there might be one or two irrational reasons. But the point stands.]
I'm sure we'll be able to find something. Besides, there's still always stuff to learn from theoretical materials. [Even if it's both interesting and fun to work on practical matters with Hilbert.]
Indeed there is. We can focus on matters that we never would have been able to practically study here anyway - identification and treatment of diseases, for example.
Isn't it? So much of science is simply the right place at the right time. A project that someone has been working on for ages bears fruit, a happy accident leads someone to just the right patient. You study and you learn so that when those moments of luck happen, you can recognize them for what they are.
[He nods.] It reminds me a little of the history of summoning demons that I've read. It's the combination of the right moment, and having the information that allows you to take advantage of that moment. There are so many things you can apply the scientific method to. [It's great! Especially when used in 'social' contexts!]
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timeasmymeasure
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-04 04:20 am (UTC)[He might not have any passion for work in the dining hall, but it does mean he has easy access.]
I can be at your cabin soon.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-04 04:36 am (UTC)[ And Hilbert will be sitting at his desk, having tried really hard to nature the effort of being an actual person today. He's wearing an oxford shirt and trousers but also looks like he could pass out at any moment. ]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-04 04:40 am (UTC)Hello, Doctor Hilbert.
[He puts the soup down on the desk. He's worried, even though he knows what death tolls are like, but he's not going to put that on Hilbert when he's already suffering.]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-04 11:36 am (UTC)I'm sure you have questions about my actions. Crozier was very circumspect in his description of the event.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-04 05:34 pm (UTC)[Nothing wrong with that. The 'attempted' goes under the danger of trying to expand scientific knowledge while not being helped by non-humans.]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-04 07:34 pm (UTC)[ There's a pause before Hilbert continues. ]
I chose Johann partly because of his healing factor. But partly because if something were to go wrong, I wanted it to happen to the man who killed you twice.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-05 03:36 am (UTC)It's all very reasonable. Nathaniel had thought from the start that Crozier was probably being unreasonable, and he thinks this proves that that was based off clear-sighted understanding.
The careful chain of logic hits a block only at the end. For once, Hilbert will see Nathaniel totally unguarded. He doesn't try to set up defenses against Hilbert, it's simply a matter of his normal level of emotional control and respect for the - teacher who's done so much for him. This goes far beyond that, and Nathaniel would already have said that that goes far beyond anything he could've expected. Now he just stands there frozen for a couple of moments, wide eyed and looking younger than usual from the shock. Even a moment can be a long time in someone who usually reacts so quickly.]
That's - [he stops, not knowing how to continue.] I wouldn't have thought of that. [He hadn't imagined it could be a reason. He doesn't know how to express the extent of his emotions.]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-05 03:49 am (UTC)I hadn't thought of that until recently, [ Hilbert admits. ] Revenge is not my normal method. I usually find it useless. But here...I don't know. If I was going to get a sample, I should get it from someone who deserves to be hurt.
I was...angry he murdered you. Suspect I have been for a while.
[ It's weird. Talking is weird and feelings are weird and Hilbert doesn't know if he's saying this right or even if he's saying the correct thing to begin with...but again. Drastic actions. Might as well take the shot. ]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-05 03:59 am (UTC)Which doesn't make it easier to find a response.]
A long time ago, I was... hurt by someone. He wanted to humiliate my master through me, so he asked me questions he thought I couldn't answer. He was displeased that I could. Only one person tried to do anything.
That was the only time. [He doesn't know if sharing the story - choosing to share a story from his past, and not a pleasant one at that, manages to convey anything of the emotions he doesn't have words for.]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-05 01:16 pm (UTC)It also doesn't help that this teenager is saying it happened 'a long time ago.' Hurting an adult is one thing. But hurting a child? As far as Hilbert's concerned, that's beyond the pale.
There's a long awkward pause as Hilbert tries to sort through the feelings of anger, protectiveness, and venom that he doesn't really have the capacity to explain. Instead, he settles on, ] I wish I was there. I would have done something.
[ Mandrake's a good kid and a good friend. He didn't deserve anything like that. ]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-05 06:27 pm (UTC)[Logically, he's well aware that wouldn't have changed anything. Yet it's nice to imagine a world where Hilbert wouldn't have been thrown out immediately by people who can command a djinn's power. A world where Nathaniel wouldn't have had spend two years working on revenge because no once cared about any sort of justice.
He doesn't quite look up to study the ceiling. Is he going to do it? Can he do it? He's not sure about 'can', but he is going to take the plunge: trying to say something directly.]
It means a lot to me. That you care.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-05 07:10 pm (UTC)Likewise. It means a lot to me to hear that admission from you. [ He takes a moment to take a bit of a breath, before looking back over at Mandrake. ]
This ship is full of fools and idiots. I'm glad that there is at least one person here who's sensible and I'm even happier that I can call this person— [ a friend? ] —someone close to me.
[ We'll get to admitting the 'friend' word eventually. ]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 01:21 am (UTC)I'm glad, too.
[He pauses. He had once climbed an extremely steep hill in order to get a few answers. This is also worth the effort. Obviously, he can't go so far as to call Hilbert a 'friend':]
I know some people are thrown off after a breach because they've been given memories of a relationship that doesn't exist. My memories are my own, so I haven't suffered from that mix-up. Still, I suppose they offer some room for comparison. As myself, I can say that I consider myself closer to you than those examples of 'family'.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 02:18 am (UTC)Hilbert gives Mandrake a small nod before, ]
I consider you as something close to family as well. Certainly more than Admiral's regular breach attempts at gaslighting. [ Hilbert shrugs a little before, ] We chose each other's company. Much more meaningful than something created by breach.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 02:24 am (UTC)[It's to talk to someone who can provide just the right turn of phrase. He'd never exactly chosen someone's company before the Barge. It's nice. It's especially nice to be chosen in return. To have made the risk to say it out loud and have the sentiment returned.]
Crozier said he confiscated your equipment. [Terribly unfair, but people so often are.] Do you think we'll be able to continue our lessons, once you're recovered?
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 02:51 am (UTC)[ He is going to make those practical lessons happen again come hell or high water. Even if that means (urgh) talking about things with Crozier. ]
Still, if he tries to keep lab access away from me forever, we will find a back-up solution.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 02:55 am (UTC)[For absolutely no reason. Well, there might be one or two irrational reasons. But the point stands.]
I'm sure we'll be able to find something. Besides, there's still always stuff to learn from theoretical materials. [Even if it's both interesting and fun to work on practical matters with Hilbert.]
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 11:48 am (UTC)Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 09:22 pm (UTC)I've been reading a few books on the history of how diseases have been identified. It's fascinating work.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 09:47 pm (UTC)Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-06 09:52 pm (UTC)Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-07 04:17 am (UTC)Truly, things would go far more smoothly if more people used scientific method or basic research to solve their problems.
Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-07 04:24 am (UTC)Re: text, a few days after Hilbert attacked Johann
Date: 2023-10-07 12:24 pm (UTC)