mandrakeroot | TLV Inbox

mandrakeroot

Mandrake here.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

lestercraft

"The... the belief that someone will make efforts, even if unsuccessful, to put your well-being first. Whether that's your education, your physical health, your- emotions, even."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Oh, I see. Then no, I haven't trusted any of them."

From:

lestercraft

"Even Mrs Underwood?" Who's not a guardian, technically, just the wife of one, but a caretaker still.

From:

mandrakeroot

"Mrs. Underwood wasn't my guardian." Certain technicalities are important. Mrs. Underwood had cared for him - she had loved him, but that had been her choice. She didn't have to care. She didn't have any right to interfere in the relationship between a master and apprentice.

From:

lestercraft

"But she cared for you. I dare say a great deal more than any of your magician guardians did." He's not including himself in that because the fact remains she still thought Nathaniel secondary to her husband. "Did you trust her?"

From:

mandrakeroot

"That's not the same thing." Guardians aren't required to care for you, and just because someone cares it doesn't mean they can do anything. It just means that they might try, and then you'll lose them. "I trusted her."

From:

lestercraft

"Do you think you could explain how it's not the same thing?" he asks gently. "You... to date, you haven't trusted your guardians, in this way. And the person- the people that you do trust, they..." Well it sucks to just say it but- "they die. And leave that trust broken."

From:

mandrakeroot

"I define 'guardian' as the person who's legally responsible for my care and... management. Where 'care' is referring to making sure that physical and educational matters were... being taken care of."

It's difficult to explain how it's not the same thing. The definition doesn't cover all of it, but it's important to put forth first.

From:

lestercraft

"So...." wording this was tricky, and required the effort of two mental dictionaries' worth of definitions. "Your guardians' legal duties have no... no requirement to make sure you can place your trust in them, that they make you feel safe. The only ones you've been able to extend that trust to are... people who have no legal mandate to care about you, in any capacity, but instead choose to. It is that choice that distinguishes them, in a way - that despite their complete lack of obligation to you, they want to make sure you feel safe. And... in doing so, that gives you the ability, the option to place your trust in them."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Your guardian has a legal duty to protect you. A true magician keeps his own counsel. Safe, secret, strong. It would be... a failure in their instruction to make you feel... too safe." Underwood had failed him by not protecting him against other magicians when Nathaniel had been too young to protect himself, but he'd been doing his duty in trapping him in a rm with demons to emphasize their threat - and the threat of his master.

Which isn't to say that Arthur is wrong, but it still feel important to underline.

"The choice... makes it different."

From:

lestercraft

"And..."

Oh, that's a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach.

"So, that's why you... I-I have been appointed, as your guardian. As someone whose primary connection to you is mandatory. You- there is a part of you, precipiced on, on logical conclusion, that- you cannot truly trust me, because of that."

It's not like he didn't know that, to some degree, but rationalisating it still stung. "No matter how much I might try and rationalise, a-and prove that I care. You... struggle, at best, to see me as more than just- your guardian. Someone else to let you down, someone you cannot, by definition, trust."

From:

mandrakeroot

Nathaniel shifts at that, breaking how still he' been holding himself in the face of memories of sitting almost in the same place, before he'd learned any real control.

He has to admit to himself that Arthur isn't... entirely wrong, but he's also aware that the details are different. Acting based, in part, on past experience is reasonable, but it would be unreasonable to not have adjusted his feelings based on differences.

"You're not a magician." He doesn't say that as a compliment, but it's not an insult, either. Arthur doesn't want the same things from him as Nathaniel's masters had, because his goals are different. He looks down, unable to look at Arthur's face even though Arthur can't see his, as he adds, "I believe that you care about me."

From:

lestercraft

"Ah, but we know that's not the same thing, now," he comments wryly. Trying to give nothing away of the way it sits heavy in his chest like a strike against him.

He takes a breath, and lets it out carefully. "Still," he says, with renewed, subdued energy. "We can't say now that I don't understand why, so! Progress is still progress, and I'm proud of you for helping me find this- missing step in the dark, as it were."

After a second he smiles, a little weak, but sincere. "You know, I truly am proud of you, Nathaniel. This isn't a conversation we could have had- e-even just a few months ago. You really have come a remarkable way in your ability to express your perspective with me."

From:

mandrakeroot

"It's not the same thing."

It's not trust as a whole, but it's not the same as the relationship he'd had with his the guardians. He doesn't know what that means, but he knows it's true.

He shifts again.

He's not awkward with compliments in general - quite the opposite - but not all compliments are made the same. Which doesn't mean he doesn't hold onto any type of compliment.

"You did just have to say." Nathaniel couldn't be expected to assume that Arthur wasn't working with a basic understanding of the world if Arthur hadn't said. "You explain more sometimes, too."

From:

lestercraft

"I have explained some of these before," he points out. "But without you meeting me halfway so we can understand where the differences in our understanding of meaning lie, it was a futile effort. I also had to learn what kind of questions to ask, in a different way to what I'm used to. Your world is strange to me, but moreover your view on it appears to be... completely unique. More than what I had initially anticipated."

He moves to sit a bit more upright on the couch. "It matters, that you're willing to make the effort for me - I've seen how you are with other wardens, when you don't- respect then, believe in their care the way you do me. And I just want you to know- I do appreciate the efforts you're making, to work with me. Even if that sometimes mean we argue and- and sometimes upset each other."

From:

mandrakeroot

He's surprised at the comparison to other wardens.

"Why would other wardens care?" Other wardens are still wardens, of course, but they're not Nathaniel's guardians and nor is there any reason for them to think of him at all. They have certain privileges and certain restrictions, and while Nathaniel keeps that in mind, it's the way he keeps a lot of information in the back of his mind to pull to the forefront if needed.

"I'm not working on anything with them."

He has put in a lot of effort to make Arthur understand things that seem obvious, and Arthur has explained some things too, but Arthur is still capable of saying stuff that's confusing mostly due to Nathaniel seeing no connection between it and anything else.

From:

lestercraft

That gets Arthur to look over at Nathaniel with a slight frown, confused more than anything. A good distraction from his own emotions.

"Because they're- guardians here, for you, as well, i-in a sense. And while certainly not all of them will acknowledge that you exist, there are still plenty of wardens who wouldn't want to see harm come to you. John cares for you, Jedao and Cho still want you to be well, and I'm quite certain Dr Hilbert would be inordinately fond of you even if you didn't have an active project with him. The fact they are wardens doesn't necessitate that they care about you, not when they're not permanently paired like I am, so instead they choose to."

From:

mandrakeroot

"'In a sense' that's far too distant for it to matter." He shrugs, still too thrown off to remember that Arthur can't see him. "I don't agree with Mr. Caffrey's image of the Barge," he says, a little wryly.

From:

lestercraft

That gets a huff of dry amusement from Arthur.

"Neither do I, to be quite frank. It's why I felt listing individuals who have proven to me that they care felt like- a more appropriate response to your query. It's unreasonable to expect every warden to care about every inmate, and certainly I can't condone it when I do have inmates I don't get along with so severely."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Yes, you're speaking of individuals. My belief in Doctor Hilbert's concern for my well-being hasn't changed from what it was when he was an inmate."

From:

lestercraft

"And since he's graduated I can include him in the idea of wardens wanting to care for you," he points out, "But still- even as an inmate Hilbert did choose to try and kidnap and experiment on someone who had a history of harming you specifically - I can't imagine that's coincidence. So you've had someone who cares for you for quite a while now - only now he's an inmate, which offers him a level of power in your relationship that he didn't have previously."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Yes, but none of that means that other wardens fall inside the definition of 'guardian', any more than my bosses colleague would be my 'guardian'. It's a completely different relationship."

From:

lestercraft

"Do you actually believe that?" he asks, with an edge of irony. "From what I've seen so far, you have perhaps three categories of people in mind at any given time: your guardians, your trusted caretakers, and- literally everyone else, no matter how highly you think of them."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Yes, of course." He has far more categories than that. He just sees no need for Arthur to know too much about what those categories are. "Not all of them apply here, but the Barge is... unique."

The three categories mentioned are the ones that are often close to his mind when he's thinking about Arthur, but that's because he's dealing with Arthur.