mandrakeroot | TLV Inbox

mandrakeroot

Mandrake here.

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From:

mandrakeroot

"I don't go into relationships with that in mind." This is exactly why he hates the latest flood. Perhaps it showed a true enough image of that moment in time, but times change. "Things don't 'magically' change, no. But my master punishing me for being beaten also didn't 'magically' have no effect. As my warden, you were positioned as my superior. Do you think I worship you."

From:

lestercraft

"When we first met, when you didn't know me? Yes. You did." If Nathaniel asked him so flatly, he'll reply in kind. "You were terrified to give a wrong answer. You obeyed everything I asked of you to the letter and feared any single deviation to the point of panic. You were scared, of what I might do or know and your inability to predict or defend against it, even when I consistently proved I would do nothing to harm you. I've never needed John to see any of that."

From:

mandrakeroot

"That's not worship." It was a reasonable response to the situation. "But if you believe you've consistently proved that, we're probably working with different definitions."

From:

lestercraft

"When have I harmed you?" he shoots back immediately. "When have I ever so much as insinuated that I have ever wanted to?"

From:

mandrakeroot

"Never, of course." That part had slipped out, which he does blame Arthur for.

From:

lestercraft

"Then what would you call it?" he asks, and while he's terse he's also surprised enough by the honesty of that answer that his tone softens, quite a lot. "What difference is there in how you treat me compared to one of your magician masters? What have they done that I haven't?"

From:

mandrakeroot

Arthur's hurt him, but Nathaniel doesn't believe he's wanted to. Which puts him in a special category of two.

"The difference is between when I didn't know you and now. No one deserves automatic trust, or belief that they'll care about your safety. Believing otherwise would align more with how I would define 'worship'. I treated you with reasonable precaution. That's not the same as how I treat you now."

From:

lestercraft

"So what about your masters? Did they receive reasonable precaution as well?" He's honestly curious to know, because it doesn't sound like any of them gave Nathaniel the luxury of time to examine them.

From:

mandrakeroot

"Yes, of course. Not Underwood, obviously. Not at first." He had been five. "But he was easy enough to deal with, later. I had no interest in trying to convince Ms. Whitwell I was incompetent, but I didn't start by sharing every detail of my life or past plans." He had never told her, as it happened. He had respected her - he still does, in a certain way - but he hadn't been stupid enough to let down his guard in that way.

From:

lestercraft

"So-" but he pauses abruptly, frowning as a thought ticks over. "S-so, wait. Have you never trusted one of your guardians?"

From:

mandrakeroot

He takes a moment to think about that. "What do you mean by trust?"

From:

lestercraft

That that's the answer...

"I suppose, in what way do you trust me that you haven't been able to with them, if- if there is a clear delineation in your mind for that."

From:

mandrakeroot

There's no simple answer. Yet the simple answer might be that Arthur hasn't told him not to. He hadn't given him orders that had ended with Nathaniel being trapped in a nightmare. There hadn't always been the chance of risk - because Arthur knew everything already.

"I don't know," he says, reluctantly. Because he's not sure, and he doesn't enjoy uncertainty. "I don't know what you mean by trust."

From:

lestercraft

"The... the belief that someone will make efforts, even if unsuccessful, to put your well-being first. Whether that's your education, your physical health, your- emotions, even."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Oh, I see. Then no, I haven't trusted any of them."

From:

lestercraft

"Even Mrs Underwood?" Who's not a guardian, technically, just the wife of one, but a caretaker still.

From:

mandrakeroot

"Mrs. Underwood wasn't my guardian." Certain technicalities are important. Mrs. Underwood had cared for him - she had loved him, but that had been her choice. She didn't have to care. She didn't have any right to interfere in the relationship between a master and apprentice.

From:

lestercraft

"But she cared for you. I dare say a great deal more than any of your magician guardians did." He's not including himself in that because the fact remains she still thought Nathaniel secondary to her husband. "Did you trust her?"

From:

mandrakeroot

"That's not the same thing." Guardians aren't required to care for you, and just because someone cares it doesn't mean they can do anything. It just means that they might try, and then you'll lose them. "I trusted her."

From:

lestercraft

"Do you think you could explain how it's not the same thing?" he asks gently. "You... to date, you haven't trusted your guardians, in this way. And the person- the people that you do trust, they..." Well it sucks to just say it but- "they die. And leave that trust broken."

From:

mandrakeroot

"I define 'guardian' as the person who's legally responsible for my care and... management. Where 'care' is referring to making sure that physical and educational matters were... being taken care of."

It's difficult to explain how it's not the same thing. The definition doesn't cover all of it, but it's important to put forth first.

From:

lestercraft

"So...." wording this was tricky, and required the effort of two mental dictionaries' worth of definitions. "Your guardians' legal duties have no... no requirement to make sure you can place your trust in them, that they make you feel safe. The only ones you've been able to extend that trust to are... people who have no legal mandate to care about you, in any capacity, but instead choose to. It is that choice that distinguishes them, in a way - that despite their complete lack of obligation to you, they want to make sure you feel safe. And... in doing so, that gives you the ability, the option to place your trust in them."

From:

mandrakeroot

"Your guardian has a legal duty to protect you. A true magician keeps his own counsel. Safe, secret, strong. It would be... a failure in their instruction to make you feel... too safe." Underwood had failed him by not protecting him against other magicians when Nathaniel had been too young to protect himself, but he'd been doing his duty in trapping him in a rm with demons to emphasize their threat - and the threat of his master.

Which isn't to say that Arthur is wrong, but it still feel important to underline.

"The choice... makes it different."

From:

lestercraft

"And..."

Oh, that's a horrible sinking feeling in his stomach.

"So, that's why you... I-I have been appointed, as your guardian. As someone whose primary connection to you is mandatory. You- there is a part of you, precipiced on, on logical conclusion, that- you cannot truly trust me, because of that."

It's not like he didn't know that, to some degree, but rationalisating it still stung. "No matter how much I might try and rationalise, a-and prove that I care. You... struggle, at best, to see me as more than just- your guardian. Someone else to let you down, someone you cannot, by definition, trust."

From:

mandrakeroot

Nathaniel shifts at that, breaking how still he' been holding himself in the face of memories of sitting almost in the same place, before he'd learned any real control.

He has to admit to himself that Arthur isn't... entirely wrong, but he's also aware that the details are different. Acting based, in part, on past experience is reasonable, but it would be unreasonable to not have adjusted his feelings based on differences.

"You're not a magician." He doesn't say that as a compliment, but it's not an insult, either. Arthur doesn't want the same things from him as Nathaniel's masters had, because his goals are different. He looks down, unable to look at Arthur's face even though Arthur can't see his, as he adds, "I believe that you care about me."